Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My life coach traded me.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Des Moines Police having a normal one
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
In Canada they just call them geese