Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

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Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You


BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.


signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning


magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]


Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?


I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.


Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.