What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom
[first day as spy]
*falls asleep in bushes*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not