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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Why you watching this shit?”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.