Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.
My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant