Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim