Van Halen: sings a song
Car Halen: sings a less roomy song

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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…


Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*


On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”


[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]


Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m


Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.


[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.