@brianjdunne

Van Halen: sings a song
Car Halen: sings a less roomy song

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@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

@rzarosco

Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@AthenaMystique

*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*

@CGSuperJordan

On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

@Home_Halfway

Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@Dog_Marriage

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

@Sleinso

[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.