Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.