Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos