Holy moly
You Might Also Like
good let them take over I have had enough
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.