Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)