Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants


Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.


There are two kinds of people in this world — those who leave at five thirty for a six o’clock appointment and those who leave at six o’clock and those two people marry each other.


Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.


[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]