Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

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Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.


He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting


One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”


Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture


A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.


A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.