@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

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@bornmiserable

Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.

@ImaFlyontheWall

He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@Cheeseboy22

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

@WinningByARose

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@RedIsDead

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.