Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
when dads have a rap battle
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The three genders
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.