@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

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@PFitzpa

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@smiles_and_nods

There are two kinds of people in this world — those who leave at five thirty for a six o’clock appointment and those who leave at six o’clock and those two people marry each other.

@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

@jake_likes_naps

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL