Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
There are two kinds of people in this world — those who leave at five thirty for a six o’clock appointment and those who leave at six o’clock and those two people marry each other.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL