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@hughlaurie: Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
@pixelatedboat: “Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.
@DeanOkay: My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.
@DaddyJew: [first date]
Date: I'm really big into astrology, I'm a Scorpio
Me: *trying to impress* I'm a tarantula
@ArfMeasures: WIFE:Someone's broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can't u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down