Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[Dating week 1]
Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha
[Dating week 4]
Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me
My husband found another tasty treat at the market.