Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
sistine chapel
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.