(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
You Might Also Like
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?