[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: