Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?


If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.


God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.


God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.


I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”


Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?


The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.


1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.


“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work


Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: