Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.