You Might Also Like
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…