Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Vegemite but I really wish a vegewould 😤
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Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”