@justokpanda

Vegemite but I really wish a vegewould 😤

You Might Also Like

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@ruinedpicnic

(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@ehdannyboy

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”