vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Bike for sale
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?