“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
One man’s red flag is another man’s batsignal.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Stranger:So,you’re a parent?
Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs
S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat
[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once