@PatsATweetin

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

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@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

@KevinFarzad

Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@ClichedOut

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope

@notacroc

[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@elle91

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once