Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.