@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

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@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

@shutupmikeginn

Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so i can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause i’m in it

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@mommymemeoirs

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@kpcuk

There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂

@CafeinatedBacon

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad