Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Who called it baking and not making love
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
kitchen magnet
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Oh my God.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift