Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.


Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so i can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause i’m in it


Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.


Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?


Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.


There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂


Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad