Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
this bacon wrapped sausage is making me feel uncomfortable.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I just tried on bathing suits and now I have to burn this fitting room down so it can never hurt anyone again
Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!
if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die