Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Ovenable?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.