@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

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@LlamaInaTux

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

@AlexKaseberg

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@david8hughes

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@NicCageMatch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

@brittwastaken

I just tried on bathing suits and now I have to burn this fitting room down so it can never hurt anyone again

@ImmorallyFixate

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die