People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,