The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Effort made
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr