velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Bond. Trauma bond.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Florida be like…
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready