@ellewasamistake

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

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@juliussharpe

A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

@UncleBob56

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

@moose_chocolate

I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.

@mofrorock

Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD

@TheRobCee

“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense

@Marlebean

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]