velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

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A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.


Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.


No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.


Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD


“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense


Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN


I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]