[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant