@psybermonkey

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

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@bourgeoisalien

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@funflaps

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

@ojedge

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

@james_comics

me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers

@boonecomedy

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?