Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests
cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Yooooo you smart Brooooo
Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?
Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you
Hair Stylist: what?