@psybermonkey: Venmo me $20 and I'll show up to your work on Valentine's Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I'll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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@: I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
@JohnLyonTweets: I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
@AddledPixie: "Mommy, why does an old person's skin look so see-through?" Aw, honey, it's just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
@figgled: Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off