VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.