[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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January has been Januweary
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“you changed” bro i was 15
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.