[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.


[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm


Yes, it’s a dairy farm


Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?


Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.


[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope


M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!


Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.


it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill