I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]