When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Jogging
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.