Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.