@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

- @bornmiserable

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@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

@Mom_Overboard

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@TheWoodenslurpy

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.