[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Facebook Twitter
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
This headline is a thing of beauty
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.