VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
how long have you had this for?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive