@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

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@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@Pmerrily

Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.

@mommajessiec

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@TheRolo

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

@mommywhitfield

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

@reczit

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

@GroovyTasia

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin