Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You Might Also Like
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
CELLMATE: What are you in for?
ME: Bad shit, man.
[Flashback to me duct taping harmonicas to hand dryers in the McDonald’s bathroom]
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.