@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

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@flashember

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

@P_o_n_k

CELLMATE: What are you in for?

ME: Bad shit, man.

[Flashback to me duct taping harmonicas to hand dryers in the McDonald’s bathroom]

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@onume_

Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?

@ThisOneSayz

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.