“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I did not eat the cake…
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.