Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I put the mess in domestic.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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