@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

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@KingsnorthAP

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@SamGrittner

Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in ‘Lincoln’ he spent ten months on the side of a penny.

@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@pondermymaker

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.