Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
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Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in ‘Lincoln’ he spent ten months on the side of a penny.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Addicted to pills? Don’t worry. They have a pill for that.