VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When can I start eating bats again.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you