@CatsVsHumanity
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
@DrakeGatsby
Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.
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@CatsVsHumanity
@PrinceGreenJr
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
@Swan_Corleone2
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
@clindsaysway
Interviewer: What is your greatest weak…
Me: NO PATIENCE.
@ozzyunc
Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind
@Cryptic1iam
Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
@ashmensch
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
@KMDrunner
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
@8bitbulbasaur
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
@Barack_and_Joe
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*