Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.