@TheAndrewNadeau

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

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@SarcasticCharm

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

@KenJennings

TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
Me: ZERO?
7yo: I said it was empty.

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@rockymomax

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

@seraphicpetal

Do you ever find yourself randomly blocked from people you had no clue existed? It’s like woah how did I piss in your cheerios?

@UnFitz

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

@EndhooS

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak