{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”