@BrattyBarbie

Very little scares me. So does very big.

You Might Also Like

@pertyy_

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

@theoduscrane

I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

@IamEnidColeslaw

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

@noodlegrip

My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever