Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride