I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?
DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws
You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice