Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

ㅤ

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.