Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
just left a huge legacy in there