Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.