Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
WWE is French for “yes”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.