She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge
She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink
Women are so confusing
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If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes
BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
BIDEN: Kick, then.