@Fred_Delicious

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

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@Mr_Kapowski

She yells if I kick the ice cube under the fridge

She yells if I pick it up and put it in her drink

Women are so confusing

@DebTLawrence

If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.

@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@ryan_the_manns

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

@sammyrhodes

Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes

@SimonNRicketts

BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
OBAMA: Joe.
BIDEN: Kick, then.