Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.