COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
You Might Also Like
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Love this one 😂🧟
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?