Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
peeping toms
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
for all #parents out there