Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.