Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.


Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.


[Driving home from restaurant]

ME: What?
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”


“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”


That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.


Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”


*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….


[awful tragedy happens]

me (rolling up sleeves): time to be an idiot online