11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger
My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?
I’ve been on Twitter too long
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”