[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

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I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.


M: Are you gonna eat that baby?

Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’

M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.


As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.


I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.


Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]


I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us


[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend